The Explosion of the Writer's Mentality

My soul is herein exposed

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Panic attack

Words are words and only have as much power as you give them,

but right now your words are bullets

and my whole being is painted up like a target,

And you’re firing with no discretion.

You think the bullets rubber,

but I can taste my own blood.

My skin’s on fire, and I can’t breathe,

how the fuck did you make me feel this way!?

I’m breathing too fast. I’m not breathing enough.

Hands on me, shoulder, face, head

Comforting? Trying.

Thoughts stop. Can’t think. Have to think. Can’t.

Body numb. Better than fire.

Stomp. Feel it. Feel powerful. Take back control.

Still numb. Breathe more. Breathe less. Which?

Words? I hear words. Focus. Trying to help. Calm down.



It’s okay.

My body aches. My chest is screaming in agony.

Everyone’s looking at me. Say something.

“I’m fine.”

Filed under train of thought stream of conscious I had a moment today

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If I could have bottled your scent,
I’d bathe my sheets in it
Just to smell you close to me while I sleep.
If I could have stored the electricity you fired off in my skin
When you ran your fingers along my spine
I’d tell the power company to suck it,
I’ll make my own light.
If I could have contained your presence in a stuffed animal,
I’d cling to it
And not be haunted by the dreams you’re in.
If I could have held on to you
I wouldn’t be breaking my heart
Wishing you were here.

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Your reclaimed humanity just emphasizes how much of you belongs to someone else.
I can’t call you a friend, because you were always a little more.
But even if I could, you’d be a bad one.
So I’m cutting the tether,
And hanging up a foreclosure sign on the part of my heart I saved for you.

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I miss you so fucking much and nothing fixes that. I’m seriously so drunk and I’ve had the best night and I love how amazing my friends make me feel and then I saw your name on Facebook and I just can’t function because I’m pathetic and I want you back more than anything. But that’s not realistic so I’ll just find some way to function and what the fuck ever.

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I’m a weak parody of a Lana Del Rey song
And maybe that’s why I find something magic in the taste of liquor on someone else’s mouth
When it’s the darkest part of a summer night.
I love the head rush inebriation I get from tasting you,

But you never want to drink with me.

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I’m so tired of writing blocks and blocks of text about boys. The secret is that I write because it’s not scary. It’s not conflict. It’s not really being vulnerable. So when I write, it’s because I have words trapped inside of me.
Once upon a time I fell in love with a boy who tore every inch of me apart. Constantly telling me to act less gay, to behave this way, to not do this around so and so. All while making me the ass of every punchline to his friends, constantly abandoning me, and whoring around online for the attention.
When that “relationship” finally ended, I swore to never let someone see inside of my head. No matter what. That’s how I stay in control. No matter how hurt or angry or destroyed I am, I grin and carry on. The way I was raised. And not that bullshit about fake smiles and whatever. Its not a mask. Its just what I show. Hold it together because it’s what people expect of you now.
So here’s a story for *you* and you might never see it, but I’ll never repeat it again.

It was quiet and I was wrapped up in you. We were laying on the couch, and you had your legs wrapped around me. My face was flushed and thank god you couldn’t see it. I had heat running through all of my body.
My mind was whispering, “ask ask ask, you have to ask him. Make it official. This boy warms your tummy and makes you grin. Boyfriend material. Ask ask ask.”
But my supervisor called, and asked me to come into work, and I lost my nerve and my gut hurt the whole night because I’m so fucking weak.
And then shortly after we were out, three of us shopping. And I don’t even remember what exactly was said, but you said something with a dark bitter snark, and it pierced me to my core, and god damn did it twist my heart because suddenly you were that first asshole, with venomous words that make my cells ache and I pulled back my emotions so fast I’m still dealing with whiplash. Yeah it was a joke. But you used the tone. The one that makes me worthless. The one that proves I can be broken. That I was broken.
And from then it was just me running. You scared me. I couldn’t ask you to be my boyfriend. I couldn’t trust that to be true. You had the tone. So I pulled back. And everything you did just became an excuse to run more. Because it could have been healthy. It could have been amazing. But the last time I thought that I got hurt. I find shitty people so when I leave because they’re shitty, it doesn’t hurt. But you weren’t shitty. So how do I handle that? How do I risk being vulnerable? I don’t. And I ran. And then far too late I tried to deal with it. And now here I am, writing.
Well. You got written about. Maybe that’ll give you an answer as to how I felt about you. Because I can’t give you those words in person. Like an idiot I tried. I opened the wall just a smidge to try to say them. And all I got was an “eh.”

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Sheets in disarray; Chaos.

It matches the storm in my chest.

The only light in the room is at the end of your cigarette,

And all I want is a taste of it,

But only from your lips.

And all I want is to write a fucking poem about you

except I don’t know where it goes

and my head and my heart are running in circles

and every time their paths cross,

there you are.

Blue eyes, not like the sky, but the ocean.

I’d swim forever, in a heartbeat,

But in the back of my mind I remember,

people drown.

Your head is on my shoulder,

And this is how I’d like to end every night for the rest of forever,

But this is the fourth time we’ve played this game,

So who knows where this ends.

I tore down all my walls for you,

And you’re still a fucking fortress.

Darkest thoughts come in the darkest hours,

And I roll away, because touching you makes my soul hurt

But without missing a beat, you follow after me,

pulling me tight against you,

and the dark becomes light.

I let myself think,

Maybe you care as much as me,

After all.  

5 notes

Sometimes you meet someone, and they steadily dig their way into the darkest, most unapproachable corner of your heart, and as a writer, they begin appearing in everything you write. That character that you know is based on them, either loosely or obviously, or it’s three in the morning, and you’re sitting alone, illuminated by only the computer screen, and suddenly you have to put something on paper, an overload of soul, and you write, or more likely type, and it’s that essence of them that’s rolling forth, dancing across the paper, intricate patterns of words, some that rhyme, and some that make your heart ache.

And it’s been weeks, or months, or maybe years since that person was actively in your life, and all of the feelings are rushing through your blood, and you remember everything in hyper-realism, more than you would have thought possible when you actually experienced the memory as it happened.

And here it is, three in the morning, and you’re reading words you didn’t even know you were thinking, and breaking, and remembering, and smiling, and biting the inside of your cheek softly.

Oh hey, remember this piece of yourself that you’d forgotten, this piece that was made by another human hand, gently pushing past your defenses, and setting up a home there. And now the other person is gone, but it smells like them, and that picture you guys took is hanging up there on the walls of that abandoned house in your heart.

And you’re standing there, and dreaming and all those shitty songs you listened to that made you think of the soul you’re missing just started playing on your itunes, and you didn’t even realize you still had those songs. And now you’re grinning, and the ache that burns inside of you isn’t sad. It’s beautiful and reminds you of how alive you are, and how even now, across space and time,

you’re still connected to another soul. Maybe forever. Even if nothing more. You are connected.  

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You are a question

that my lips are nervous to form.

And I would crack open your thoughts

to see how you swim in your own brain.

But what if your thoughts are the same as mine?

Or worse,

what if they’re not?

Filed under word vomit poetry

4 notes

Phone lights up, clutching your eyes and dragging them down like an over-zealous lover. Pick it up, text from the best friend, she moved away months ago and you miss her everyday because she was as fucked up as you and you could talk and it was all easy and dandy and she was down the road just a drive and you’d wrap up on the couch between her dogs as she offered you a bowl from her friend with cancer “yeah it’s sad but he gets the best shit, take a hit, you’ll time travel.” and you do and now she’s gone and you’d play games with dark magic just to time travel back. #ThrowbackThursday she texted, a laugh to be read in the text, and you open the picture she attached and you lose your breath for a second because it was the picture she took of you and him when you all went out for Mexican and it was lame and stupid and wonderful. Of course she still has the pictures, you guys were her OTP. And now they’re both gone and here you have a throwback and it’s cute and it’s fun and you text her back playfully, but your soul is already feeling dark because you remember how hard you kissed him and how much of your soul you offered, trying to coax him in, to let him know how much you won’t-say-loved him, to convince him to be with you and to let go of the other guy, to convince yourself that it was okay that he was trying to be with the other guy and you were the fallback. It’s okay, you said over and over as you clutched your pillow tight on nights alone, and wrapped yourself up in his scent the next night you had him to yourself. You wanted the boy who didn’t want you because he was too busy wanting a boy who didn’t want him. And he broke your heart because it all fizzled out again for the third time, and you didn’t even care this time, but you cared so much and hid how much you cared by chasing anything with a pulse, and dating people you didn’t even want because at least your bed had someone in it, someone who wanted you. But you couldn’t want them because you were still wanting that same boy who didn’t want you anymore than he did all those days ago. And nothing in your head made sense, and you knew you were fine but you knew he had a fucking piece of your heart, and just like all those video games you’d loaned him, you’re never getting it back.

Filed under word vomit train of thought i'm in a weird place these days